Last Day of School

Dear Connor,

So this past week was both your first and last week of preschool. Even though many little kids start going to school when they are around 2 years old, a part of me thought it might be too early for us to put you in school and that part of me may have been right--you cried on the first day of school, you cried more on the second day and you cried a LOT today, so much that the director called me 45 minutes after I dropped you off and told me to come back and get you. Yikes.

On the second day of school, PoiPoi dropped you off and you were fine. But then after awhile, you started to cry for me and Daddy and didn't stop until PoiPoi went back to your school early to join you, your classmates and their parents for your class's holiday party. Once you saw PoiPoi, you stopped crying but you were hesitant to participate in the party festivities, preferring to stand next to PoiPoi and the other parents instead of sitting in a circle with your classmates. 

I dropped you off today and you didn't even want to go into the classroom. You kept asking to go down the stairs instead and only walked into the classroom after I promised I would go in with you. You clutched my hand so tight as we walked down the hallway that you'd think we were walking toward a torture chamber, not a bright, sunny room filled with books, toys and art supplies. Once we were in the room, I hung up your jacket and backpack on your own labeled hook and you motioned for me to hang my jacket on the hook next to yours. When I didn't and said I had to go, you started crying loudly and grabbed onto me, desperate for me not to leave you. Your teacher came over and tried to distract you with toy trucks but it didn't work. I didn't want to leave you like that but I'd read that when dropping you off at school, I should act like me leaving is no big deal so that you would see that it is no big deal. So I kissed you, told you I'd be back to get you in a few hours, left you wailing in the arms of your teacher, walked out the door and then crumbled into about a million pieces out in the hallway. It was SO hard for me to leave you when you were so upset. I could hear your wails all the way to the elevator and wanted to wail along with you. Were you going to be okay? Should I go back to the classroom? Would your teacher let me stay in class with you today? These questions were racing through my head but when the elevator arrived, I took a deep breath and stepped inside. All kids go through separation anxiety and this was just something that you and I would have to work through. Right? 

Maybe, but now might not be the time for us to work through it. Shortly after I got back home after dropping you off, the director called, said you were inconsolable and that I had to come back and get you right away; I could hear your loud sobs clearly in the background. PoiPoi was already near the door so she threw on her jacket and raced over to your school so fast that she was drenched in sweat by the time she got there. When you two got back home, you gave me a big hug and looked so, so sad. I held you tightly and asked you about school:

Me: You didn't want to go to school today?

You (softly): Uh-unh.

Me: You don't like school?

You: Uh-unh.

Me: You don't like your teachers or your classmates?

You: Uh-unh.

Me: Did you want to come home?

You: Uh-huh. 

I had called the director while PoiPoi was going to get you and she said that while many kids cry during their first few days of school, they often stop after 15 to 20 minutes and are able to join the rest of the class. You, however, cried and cried and cried and nothing--no toys, no books, no songs--could get you to stop. I definitely don't blame you. Except for your time in the NICU right after you were born, Daddy and I have never left you anywhere with people you don't know. You have always been with us, your grandparents or your nanny. Looking at it from your perspective, it must have been terrifying for you to be so suddenly left in this strange room you'd never been in with adults and kids you'd never seen, with all of the people you love and trust nowhere to be found. I am so, so, so sorry for making you feel so scared and abandoned and I'll try my hardest never to make you feel that way again.

The school director said we should take you out of school for now and wait until you're a little older. After seeing how traumatized you were this past week, that's what we're going to do. I was excited for you to start school this week but there's no rush. In a few years, you'll be going to school full-time so I don't mind keeping you at home with me for just a little longer.

Love,
Mom

What's That Smell?

Dear Connor,

We had this funny exchange yesterday:

Me: Connor, do I smell poop?
You: Smell good!

Love,
Mom

First Day of School

Dear Connor,

Today was a big day--it was your first day of preschool! There was something a bit surreal about this important milestone. I was getting your backpack ready last night--writing your name in permanent marker on the inside label, tucking in an extra outfit in case your clothes get dirty, putting in a sandwich bag of one of your favorite snacks (Pepperidge Farm pretzel goldfish crackers)--and it just felt so weird, that I'm really at that stage in my life: a mom making sure my son is ready for school. I can't believe you are already starting school. But you are--and you were one super-excited student this morning! 

When I went to get you out of your crib and told you that you were going to school, you started jumping up and down and shouting, "Yay school! Yay school! Yay school!" And you couldn't wait to put on your new backpack:

Daddy, PoiPoi and I all took you to school and the drop-off was much harder on me than it was on you. You didn't cry--but I almost did! When we arrived at your classroom, you found a toy car, plopped down on the carpet to play with it and barely looked up when Daddy, PoiPoi and I said goodbye. We left the room (I honestly don't think you even noticed--harsh!) and I felt several things: proud, because you handled the separation so well; sad, because you handled the separation so well (you were going to miss me, weren't you??); unnerved, because I had never dropped you off anywhere other than at your grandparents' homes and felt strange leaving a place without you; fear, because of what just happened in Newtown (I found some comfort in the fact that your classroom is located in the back of the third floor of the building, rather than front and center on the first floor); and happy, because I know you'll love school.

So how did your first day go? There were no tears at the drop-off but your teacher said that after your class had gym time, you started crying for me back in the classroom, curled up on a carpet and FELL ASLEEP! Out of all of the things that I thought you might do on your first day--cry, throw a tantrum over a toy, climb all over the classroom tables--falling asleep was not one of them! I guess all of the first-day excitement and activity was just a bit too much for you. But you did seem to enjoy school and talked excitedly about it when I asked you about it afterward. I hope you have many more fun school days ahead of you--and no more sleeping! We are not paying your school all this money for you to take naps! 

Love,

Mom

Cute Connor-isms

Dear Connor,

I am with you pretty much all day every day, yet I can still spend hours looking at photos and videos of you after you've gone to bed. And why not? You are ridiculously cute! Here are some of the adorable things you do now:

-You like to surprise Daddy or me by tiptoeing toward us, whispering "uh-prise Daddy, uh-prise Mommy" and then throwing your hands up in the air and shouting, "Uh-PRISE!"

-I taught you how to do an exploding fist bump and you even make an explosion noise when you do it.

-Your new favorite game is pulling a blanket over your head and saying, "Dark here!"

-When I say, "Connor, muscle!" you bend your arms, clench your fists, shake them and your head and say, "Grrrrrr!"

-When I ask you to show me your smiley face, you smile this big cheesy grin. When I ask you to show me your cute face, you smile the cheesy grin and tilt your head to the side. When I say, "Connor hug," you smile and wrap your arms around yourself.

-When I clean up one of your (many) messes, you tell me, "Good job, Mommy."

-You congratulate yourself, too. I taught you how to ask for things politely by asking, "Can I have some [whatever item it is you want at the moment]." When you do this, I say, "Good job!" So sometimes, you start whining for something like a cookie, I ask you how you ask for it nicely and you say, "Can I have some cookie good job!"

-I gave you a piece of pear yesterday and you took it and ran to your playpen to eat it. You then immediately ran back to me and said, "Ank-yoo [thank you], Mommy!" before running back to your playpen. So polite!

-You have been mesmerized by the colorful Christmas lights Daddy hung up in our dining room and point to each little light and say, "I see purple! I see green! I see ye-whoa [yellow]! I see boo [blue]! I see red!"

-When I ask you how old you are, you chirp "Two!" You also hold up your hand and wiggle your fingers because I don't think you possess the motor skills to just hold up two fingers yet, hehe :)

Love,
Mom

Feeding Ernie

Dear Connor,

One of the things that I love most about you is how caring you are. One day, you threw a ball at your frog rocking chair and hit him directly in his face. You immediately ran up to the frog, patted his face and said, "Sorreeeee" (granted, you shouldn't have thrown your ball at him in the first place but at least you were apologetic!). 

And today, you took such good care of your stuffed Ernie doll. While I was cooking macaroni and cheese for dinner (btw, you won't eat cheese by itself but you love macaroni and cheese and always chant, "Mac and cheese! Mac and cheese!" whenever I make it for you), you sat Ernie at the dining room table and said, "Ernie, dinner." I told you that dinner wasn't ready yet so you gave Ernie water in the meantime. You carefully placed your water bottle in his mouth and said, "Ernie, open wide! Open wide! Almost done!" When dinner was ready, you and Ernie sat next to each other on the same chair and you made sure that I fed Ernie ("Mommy, Ernie mac and cheese") and then you ("Mommy, Connor mac and cheese"). You even put one of your bibs on Ernie to make sure he didn't make a mess. It was so cute, I think I actually felt my ovaries swell!

Love,

Mom

Voluntary Timeouts

Dear Connor,

It's a simple concept: When you do something bad, you get a timeout. Daddy or I make you stand up and face this blank section of our dining room wall with your arms up against the wall (yes, as if you're under arrest and we're going to frisk you for weapons).

The point is to punish you and make you think about what you've done. The problem is that I don't think you understand this. Sometimes, you give yourself a timeout when you haven't even done anything wrong by voluntarily going over to that section of the wall, putting your arms up and saying, "Connor timeout" when we haven't even told you to. Um yeah, if you're giving yourself timeouts, I don't think they're working . . .

Love,
Mom

Yum Yum

Dear Connor,

We were sharing a snack this morning when you licked your arm and said, "Mmm, Connor tasty!" I agree, you are pretty delicious!

Love,
Mom